I cant call this a bucket list, because this is my list of 10 things to do before 2010!!!! Without further ado, here is my list! (random order...and random colors ha!)
1 Take Stripper Classes
Yes I want to take pole classes. get over it people, im a fly ass big girl who shall be workin the pole like the chix up in Majik City!
2 Sew myself a dress
only because i never made myself anything before. but there will be lots of other sewing things on this list. get over it lol
3 Join a hobby group
like the old people who go to bridge games every week hehe. i wanna start a makup meetup, but i dont know who would come!
4 get my nosed peirced
self explanitory really....
5 hm. pass fall semester with only A's and B's!
i need to do this one. i shoulda put it first.
6 write at least 10 chapters of a novel, or at least 10 short stories.
i really do need to get back into writing. its not natural for me to be without words!
7 go on a road trip! this one is in small print because its a BIG if. i gotta make sure i can afford it lolol
8 Get a damn job!!!
this is not on the TOP TOP of the list, simply because i forgot to put it there lol...
9 Make a garden!
i love flowers so why not brighten my room up
10 Get 50 suscribers on youtube. so far i have like...none? hah.
So yeah thats my list, and hopefully i finish it! My next few entries will be on my progress!
I wish i could feel more poetic =( im going to just blurb out some random poetic crap
mocha darling
skin smooth like the curls on the nape of your neck
sex HOT like the sahara
wet like an oasis.....
my mocha love
sweat drippin like dew on a leaf
breath comin hard
pant PANT Haaaa HAAAAA
Body falling into mine
legs tangled tounge frantic
sex hot like Havana Nights
bodys swayin like palm trees on the beach
backs arched thighs tight
my mocha darling
you make my dreams come true
Fuck the
"Girl you my forever love"
devotions
the "I wont never leave u"
bullSHIT
because your GONE.
you never gave a shit
you never really loved me
becuase as much as your preched FOREVER
your gone.
Love is not selfish,
so if you truly LOVED me
you wouldnt want me back now
fuck your type of sadistic love
your mentally controlling love
i dont give a FUCK about your love
i wanted u to be HAPPY
i let u go
and now u need to
just
let
me
fucking
GO!
The beauty of us is that
i dont just love you
i adore u
like a woman adores her husband
like a child adores his parent
i crave you
like a blind man craves sight
like a peasant craves riches
i support you
like rita supported bobs kids
like coretta supported martins affairs
like bee supported ray's many loves
i will make life for you
but for now
i
just
LOVE
YOU.....
BLIND
so STUPID
to have devoted my entire being to you for so long
i loved u endlessly
yet u took that and spit it out like
some regurjated mess of BS
much like the lines u spit to me on a daily
its been YRS since we gave been together
and yet i still cant help but letting my heart ache
for the love that never was
for the innocence that you stole
the devotion that can never come again
the happiness that will never again reach that capacity
you have RUINED ME
for every man yet to come
and every man that has ever been
you have spoiled me
for even I cannot love myself
yet here you are
happy as can be
with everything you couldve wanted at your
motherfucking feet
and I am the one
who must suffer
forever
just like our love was supposed to be?
I have gone over and over in my mind about my beliefs. i know for a fact that i am not Christian (Catholic or Protestant). i just dont truly believe that. But i dont fall under one religion. I cant exaactly say im a Deist because i believe that "God" has alot of control in the world as far as death goes. I believe that God created the world. He did not create us "in his image" nor did he create us to be perfect, i think he just created us just to sort of....see what would happen. to admire his own work really. I think the world has always been and always will be. God never had a begining nor will he ever have an end, and in the same way, neither will the world. Thats why there is good and evil, because god never made a move to discourage it, he just created us and thats it. I believe souls are reincarnated.I believe that when one sould dies, another is born with that soul. Of course this doesnt leave much room for souls to be "created" but i believe there are so many souls out there that it is not logical for us to say that ever person has a new soul. No one has a new soul, every person has always been and always will be just like the world. we as people cannot truly imagine or comprehend the TRUE meaning of life, nor the true story of the world. But we try, which is why every one follows a religion. My beliefs are pretty whacked out but i think that for now, it is good enough. my beliefs always evolve over time, but for now im pretty sure thats what it is.....
good night for now
Well after losing this baby, i dont feel like i thought i would. I am sad, dont get me wrong, but i have so many mixed emotions that are so crazy. The past few days i have been HAPPY. the happiest i have been in the past few months actually. Before i got pregnant Ken and I fought alot, i was EXTREMELY jealous, i would literally break down and cry if i saw a picture of him and his BM (and i mean cant breathe face swollen type of sobbing)....it was bad. he wasnt happy with me and i was trying to hard to keep him. But i believe that this baby taught us something about our relationship.
i love ken with alll my heart, but i was trying so hard to be what he wanted me to be that i wasnt worried about what I wanted to be. And i think when i got pregnant it made me realize damn, i may not be able to realize my goals anymore, i may not be able to do what I had planned any more. First i made the choice to abort. we made an appointment and all. but something just wasnt right and Ken said no we should do it. So, we really say and thought it out, and i got excited about havig another child.... I felt happy and i felt whole. i felt like i was in control of what would happen to me and my kids and my fiance. It was a good feeling.
now the past few days i have been on cloud 9. i have been very happy and very content with my life. i still have nightmares at night about the whole situation but besides that, im ok with everything that has happened..........
in the depth of the night
when no one else is around
a whisper of a hand creeps around my neck
caressing me
stroking me
cajoiling me into a passion
only to leave me
like a theif in the night
ok so i tried lol. i will try again laterrrr
good night. ima go to sleep now. i just had to get it out.
i dunno what the fuck the point of this was now. my mom is a alcoholic. my dad is a fucking deadbeat thats not worth shit. my brother and sister are spoiled assholes. my boyfriend is too good for me. my son is too perfect for me. i dont deserve him at all. sigh.
willi ever be worthy of anything? worth anything? u tell me.
ive been neglecting my journal. but alas i feel like writing a poem...sorta
altho it may seem that emotion is a thing to be controlled, i am not very good at it.
Turmoil
like a raging river sweeping thru my veins
rushing past my eyes in a bout of fury
and filling me so completely
this rage will not get the best of me
invisibility seems like a gift as of late
the ability to see the truth before the lies
to feel without being judged
without being told
hush cry baby
tears are fr the weak!
for i know my strength can only be show thru my tears
yet in the same breath
i beat the very eyes that cry so bitterly
for being so naive. so simple minded. so WEAK
turmoil overtakes me in a restless sleep
and never shall i wake the same again.
its time for bed. but this is still to be continued.... my mind isnt done thinking about this one!
im in the library doing this dumb ass assignment. im soooo bored! i fawken hate this teacher man she gets on my nerves and i dunno if im going to even pass her class now... i fucking better! man im slacking on my pimpin for real! im still lookin for an apartment, shit doesnt seem to be working out. netra wants a bigger room close to campus titi wants a certain price and i just want something safe and that can fit a toddler bed! is that soo much to ask?! (apparently in tallahassee it is!) but wtfe im gunna go on and get me a lil place unfurnished and get up on that good will and craigs list for a bed and a couch... and a table... i cant wait! i guess whatever i use i can transport to me and kens house eventually... and itll be shit that i bought! GO ME!
hm until later.\
Mimi
sigh... im going to ruin myself. my life. my son cant grow up with a mother who doesnt know whether she is up or down. who cant figure out if she wants to be happy or not. i just wanna....stop.... \
Love always
Me.
and then to say im making a mountain out of an ant hill? surriously?!? SURRIOUSLY!!!! because it annoys me that u went and sold yourself at a damn dating auction for the AKA's (and your B<M was there because she just so happens to be IG'ing right now?) because youve got girls leaving u extra fucking cutesy messages on your wall im over reacting?
im so ...fucking... done! just done. mister "im lookikng for a sexy assistant". whatever.
I got a job yesterday, cleaning houses. nothing special jusr run of the mill maid. and i have an appointment on monday with the school counselor. an i hope she does something for me. my fucking doctor couldnt be any more slow, and hasnt sent me my prescription of wellubutrin even tho i called way too many times! i know i tolf Ken i wouldnt take them but shit. ummm i need them! i need something to help until i can devote time to mymental health. i refuse to walk around feeling like shit because you would rather i treated the root of the problem and not the chemical issues. i mean....iguess thats alright. i have this damn math test today, and i hope i do well. i realllllllly hope i do ok. i am not in the mood to just be failin left and right i telll yah! i figuired out my whole damn book is online lol so i dont have to buy one i just gotta study from the internet. which i can do since im always on it. i want my sewing machine but ermmm i stillll dont have it! i should tell my mom send it. make her put some extra stuff in it... hmmm.... anways. back to the point. i am just hoping that this means its over for me. that this means i dont have to worry anymore. i dont have to be confused anymore. crying is NOT a fun thing. it makes your face swollen and eyes puffy, makes you get a headache and not be able to see..... i dont wanna have to cryanymore. at least not for nothing. and Ken will just have to understand that. i havent decided if i am tellinghim yet tho sooooo...... idk.
why did u make me this way? why do you allow me to walk around so confused and out of wack? I wish that i wasnt the way i was God. I wish i loved myself Lord, i wish i loved YOU lord.... i wish i was HAPPY most of all. So tonight i pray to you, that u just make me whole... make me happy....show me what it is to just be regular.
Amen
So. today i woke up feeling good!!! i went out to eat with my friends. i got some stuff acconplished.... i did laundry, and i did my hair... then i went to eat and decided to go try out for a modeling troupe. It was risky, but it was spurr of the moment so i just said fuk it, let me prepare myself for this. so i was stil happy right? i went to the mall, and my best friend baught me a pair of shoes since i dont have any heels of my own... anyways. i got the heels and was STILL happy!!!! and then i got to her house and something in me just fell. i felt like a fuking FOOL! like who the fuck am i kidding trying to be a damn model. pshhhhh.... and i got discouraged, angry, sad, depressed all in one. I started talkin to my friend about it... and i was just like u know. idont feel like i live up to Kens idea of a perfect womam.... i asked him the other morning what his idea of a perfect woman was. like what did she physically look like... and he asked me the same. his answer was someone VERY different from me. and my answer was someone very SIMILAR to him. i dunno maybe im a fucking idiot, but the person i am going to marry someday, is PERFECT to me. i dont want Ken to change anything about himself... i love him in every way, physical and spiritual. but like really? his idea of a perfect girl is "short red big tits fat ass"....hmmm. im short dark no shape and top heavy. thats not me at all!! and that shit makes me feel so fucking horrible... like even tho i know no one is ever perfect but i just thought maybe physically i was something he wanted. now i gotta work 800x's harder to look good so that i live up to his familys expectations of me. how am i ever supposed to live up to his ex? she is a very pretty girl, light skin, pretty face, thick, fat ass, and big tits.....SOUND FUCKING FAMILIAR?!!!!????!?!?!... all too damn familiar. and then as soon as i get these thoughts in my head i think he is cheating. i dont know if he is but i hope not. and now, i just dont know if im READY to meet his family. i dont want them to pull him to the side and say, why are you lowering your standards? why settle for this girl? i dont want him to have to justify why he loves me i just want them to meet me and be like Aw your perfect for Ken!!! but nope... they will never meet me... id rather die. they will probably judge the shit out of me. his baby mom hates me and i NEVER did shit to her.. idk... Lord please help me! please... i just dont know if i can do it if i can be what he wants me to be. i try my best to make him happy but i dunno how to be fashionable. how to be sexy or cute. im short fat and dumpy and thats ALL. i dont know how to be anything else.....i dont know how to be Confident. i feel like a failure
how is my son ever going to know what a woman should be like, act like, dress like.... if i am not that example? i dont know. i know i should try but when i get in these moods i just dont wanna try anything. i wanna curl in a ball and go back to whats safe... i wanna cry and scream and tell him that it isnt fair that im not pretty . it isnt fair that i cant be beautiful. it isnrt fair that i have to be stuck as this socially handicapped girl, who is not only wierd and awkward but is also fat? in America its the WORST to be fat, especially if u dont got no ass. i have no type of shape, and i am just extra pudgy everywhere. idk its just not cute... i wanna feel better about myself but how do you when you get the most conflicting views? sometimes he says Your gorgeous, others its that i need to "take more care of myself"... i honestly do not feel the need to do that shit. FUCK whats wrong with me? i really do wanna be better i really do wann abe pretty and popular and have friends and be outgoing. i wanna join a sorority, i wanna make friends, i wanna do the things everyone else does! i WANNA DO IT TO! but no. no no non o fucking NO. im stuck in Loserville feeling sorry for myself. FUCK MY LIFE!
I moved to Tally so i could finish school and make abetter life for my son. the plan was that he would stay home with my parents while i was in school. and it wouldve worked out just fine except for some unforeseen circumstances. which are not my fault in the least but do have to do with MY family. now that im asking for help to bring my son up here (AND YES I WILL SAY MY SON BECAUSE HIS FATHER DOESNT HELP) its a big deal? after all the argument that i had with him over how could i be such a horrible mother and yadda yadda and how could i just "leave my son"....now i have to endure being told that this is my fault so i better not demand anything (i asked for 200 $ a month for daycare and told him to make sure he had it on the first of every month so there wouldnt be a problem with anything) .... hahahahah i can not believe this! it makes me wanna cry because im just so fed up with doing shit alone. i wish his father would either shut the fuk up and drop off the face of the earth or fully take on his responsibilities! being a single mommy SUCKS!
Mmm, so lately i have had this uncontrollable anger. i wanna throw things and curse people out and just be a bitch. it takes ALOT of self control to not just let any kind of BS words come outta my mouth cause i really do be wantin to cuss Ken out sometimes. of course, i dont. but i want to. Like this whole Tampa bullshit. If i didnt love Mani, i would throw a fucking fit. Now..... the bitch already ruined thanksgiving break because he didnt have the balls to tell her to take care of her own damn chcild at 2,3,4am. but now she gets to take u away for christmas too? Yeah Yeah Yeah i know i shouldnt blame her i should blame him for his actions, cause it will only go on as long as he allows it, but my gut feeling tells me that this girl will do everything in her power to break us up. and she does the shit on purpose...not because she wants Ken...but because she DOESNT want Ken to be happy. at least...thats how i see it. Now. Thanksgiving was one thing. im like iight, once shame on you twice shame on me. But this is about to be number three. and i REALLY dont want him staying at her house in her room and more then likely on her fucking bed. i already didnt believe his ass slept at his sisters house (Yeah. u sleep at ur sisters house with Mania every night and u leave her at your house...alone??? nuh uh. dont play yaself hunny).... so why would i believe they not sleepin together?!?! yes i said it. FUCKIN. i think they are still fucking. and i also think that until someone says something (ehem. im the some one lol) it will continue. however. im too wrapped up in my own personal shit to really give a damn about her and him and their going on;s. but i will deal with it. eventually. now not tho lol.
oh wait.... i was talking about my anger right?
Welllll i know i have a problem. cause people could just say the tiniest thing and i will take it so wrong and then cuss u out in my head. but of course i get this nasty look on my face...like GAH! and then ppl notice and be like umh wats wrong with her LOL. i think maybe i should start writing again. but i have no creative energy......beans drained meh.speaking of the little monster (insert proud face smiley here).... he is now saying DADA as of December 2nd, and since then has been saying a whole slew of words. Gaga Goo Goo Agu Mama Nana Dada Mostly Nana and Dada tho....its too cute lol i love seeing his little smiles and his big bright eyes....*sigh* i love being a mom. thats like the ONLY thing that takes the anger away. and even then. only sometimes.....
hm. until later.
Mimi
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